Today I had a high-energy conversation with Educational Therapist Maayan Glaser-Koren, MA, ET/P, ADHD-CE. Our shared interest is serving the neurodivergent learner, whether gifted, ADHD, ASD, or twice-exceptional (2e). Maayan also has two sons, just a bit younger than mine, so we compared notes on how much meat is eaten in our homes to fuel these active young people! I love how she practices what she preaches - she'd just gotten home from the gym when we met at 9am California time, and I'd just gotten home from riding a spicy redheaded mare in the gorgeous Virginia winter sun. Her sons are very active, as are mine. I encourage you to reach out to Maayan, listen to her pod, and absorb her insights regarding how to navigate the schools systems (IEPs, 504s, etc.).

Today we discussed how parents can collaborate with schools to meet the needs of their kids. While we explored a few rabbit-holes, we generally stayed on track with the below take-aways. Thoughout the notes, you'll find references and the links are at the bottom. I hope this is helpful! 

Aristotle recognized the importance of a "transcendent third" and this concept has shaped my approach to interacting with schools in the service of neurodivergent children. The concept is simple - picture a triangle. Parents and educators are on the same team - at the base of the triangle - serving the transcendent third, the child who is at the top. This third party directs our aims and actions and brings the other two closer together as we contemplate the student's needs. If I allow this image to shape my energy, then it is easy (easier?) to shift my ego aside and listen for opportunities to collaborate. However, some systems are so resolute in service to their own survival that you must be prepared to utterly disrupt the norms you may have envisioned for your child's education.

Approach - what is our energy like as we approach this interaction? Whether we're meeting with a teacher or administrator, our boss or spouse, or opening up a tough conversation with our child, it is important to take stock of how we're approaching the situation. Are we intent on our own solution, or are we open to really listening and connecting with the other person so we can explore the terrain of options? (For more information on Energy Leadership™ and how it can help us shape our relationships to be positive and fulfilling even if - or especially if! - we don't see eye-to-eye, reach out for a workshop on dynamic communication.) 

Authority - be informed about our authority--parents have more power than they realize. While the first step - checking your own energy and having good self-awareness is vital, it is also important to couple that with knowing what our non-negotiables are. For parents seeking to support their neurodivergent children, start with your state regulations. In Virginia, gifted education services are designed to support students from kindergarten through 12th grade by providing appropriately challenging and differentiated instruction, opportunities to learn with intellectual peers and to work independently, instruction from teachers trained in gifted education, and ongoing monitoring and communication about each student’s academic growth and progress. (Ref: https://regulations.justia.com/states/virginia/title-8/agency-20/chapter-40/) Parents may also wish to join the Homeschool Legal Defense Assoc (HSLDA) to access resources specific to their state if they wish to homeschool or hybrid-school. 

Ask - be confident and specific. Ask for the formative and summative data used to place your child in math and reading groups, for example. Ask for measures of progress that the school and district must provide for accountability to the school board and the state. Ask for these data points before any meetings with teachers or gifted/special education staff so that you are prepared and know where your child stands compared to his or her peers. Talk to other parents so you know what resources are available and how they are referred to in your district (using the right terminology can unlock doors!).  If you have a chance to meet with your principal before the school year starts, ask for examples of times when the principal has advocated for specific students' needs or met an unusual learning need with a creative solution. This will let you know how well informed the principal is on the needs of neurodivergent learners and how empowered that principal feels within the district. 

Autonomy - probably the single most important aspect of a neurodivergent child's learning profile. Autonomy is the first of the three pillars of human flourishing proposed by self-determination theory (SDT): autonomy, competence, and relatedness (Oppong, 2019; Garn 2010; Grolnick 2009). To make it easier to remember, you and your child's teachers might look for opportunities to enhance a student's choice, competence and connection.  The holy grail of motivation is intrinsic motivation - a student's own engine is engaged and powered up, propelling them through a life of self-directed learning and goal-identification. This is what all parents and educators want to see! A student has to be engaged in their own learning, and to be able to self-regulate their own learning through metacognition (Oppong 2019; Grolnick 2009). Teachers can help with this, but you as a parent really have an opportunity here to help your child tune into their own passions. Pay attention to what they love, and why. Then connect interests across domains - show them how applied math allows them to create more efficient code for a simulation (or connect them with a mentor who can do this). However, educational systems can easily get in the way of students being able to exercise autonomy. Look for ways to enhance choice in every facet of your student's life. Engage your student in creating a matrix listing what they value in their learning experience if you are contemplating making a change in schools or shifting to homeschooling. Involve your child in this decision-making process so you can maximize buy-in. 

Try not to be too attached to your child being successful in school - it is not a referendum on your worth as a parent. Underachievement is a symptom of a poor match between the school (ie the actual environment and/or the content) and your child's needs. It does not mean you are a failure. It simply means you need to see this as a strategy game and go back through the process of evaluating what IS working and play to your child's strengths. Get your child involved in identifying what is NOT working and collaborate on solutions. Recognize that no solution is perfect. If your child feels respected, involved, and valued - your odds of coming up with a near-perfect solution and buy-in are greatly enhanced.

As an example of a successful disruption, in a DoDEA high school overseas (Yokosuka, Japan) the incredible principal allowed our son to create a hybrid approach to schooling where A days he was on campus and B days were at home engaging in curricula that the school district could not provide (advanced physics and AP literature). This approach allowed our son to titrate the amount of social interaction and chaos he was exposed to. He could immerse himself in his passions at home on his B days and learn what he needed (advanced math and physics) then apply it to his projects of special interest (using math and science to create spectacularly accurate galaxies, nebulae and black holes). 

So many tricks have been learned along the way, and they are too numerous to list here. The universe of options has opened up dramatically for parents to serve their children in a wide variety of ways. One common frustration is arbitrary deadlines for homework to be turned in. If this is a challenge for your child in a subject they don't particularly care about (maybe literature for the math-oriented person), then look into online schools with flexible schedules. Often you can find schools geared toward NCAA athletes who travel. They do not have rigid deadlines, and this works very well for gifted students who hate rigidity, especially if it gets in the way of their passion projects. They do not have trouble learning, they have trouble with traditional schools. 

You are your child's first and most beloved teacher. Know that! Your connection and presence with your child is so important. Neurodivergent kids are intense and require a lot of energy to keep all the plates spinning. Parents can easily get exhausted. Please work on meeting your own intellectual, emotional, and physical needs so you can better support your child in co-regulating after a long day. Make sleep a priority. To make sleep work better, make movement a priority. To make movement and focus possible, ensure nutrition is optimized. There is a deep connection between physiology and psychology, and at the cellular level between the gut microbiome and the brain. The science is fascinating, and there are simple ways to share these connections with your children (one example - Garmin watch!). Engage your kids in personal observations using their own biometrics 🙂

If any of this resonates with you, and you'd like coaching to help you navigate your family's challenges, please reach out. It would be an honor to be your thought partner and offer you specific strategies that can help you and your family live a full and fulfilling life...right now.   

1. Freiberger, S. (2019, December 18). Seven strategies for supporting student self-sufficiency. Next Generation Learning Challenges. https://www.nextgenlearning.org/articles/7-strategies-for-supporting-student-self-sufficiency (NGLC)
2. Oppong, E., Shore, B. M., & Muis, K. R. (2019). Clarifying the connections among giftedness, metacognition, self-regulation, and self-regulated learning: Implications for theory and practice. Gifted Child Quarterly, 63(2), 102–119. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/329937717_Clarifying_the_Connections_Among_Giftedness_Metacognition_Self-Regulation_and_Self-Regulated_Learning_Implications_for_Theory_and_Practice (Semantic Scholar)
3. Garn, A. C., Matthews, M. S., & Jolly, J. L. (2010). Parental influences on the academic motivation of gifted students: A self-determination theory perspective. Gifted Child Quarterly, 54(4), 263–272. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0016986210377657 (Experts@Minnesota)
4. Grolnick, W. S. (2009). The role of parents in facilitating autonomous self-regulation for education. Theory and Research in Education, 7(2), 164–173. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1477878509104321