An honest horse

For about a year I have been riding a sweet ranch horse named Alice who - like all horses, if we're listening - often has a lesson for me. Today it was honesty.

What makes horses want to do anything for us? They're bigger than we are. So, why does she prick her ears forward in her pasture and let me halter her when she knows it means going for a ride before breakfast?

Alice honestly didn't want to work today - who would? It was 88 degrees already at 9am. Honesty means saying what you really think, but I would add - in a way that others can hear. She didn't want to work, but she didn't try to buck me off. In return, I kept it short and focused on discipline (doing what is asked when it is asked), then hosed her off afterward and rewarded her with breakfast.

What is the lesson about honesty in that?

A horse shows it respects me by giving me space, room to move, and being honest about its true desires (ie, relaxing, not working). This sometimes means being disagreeable but not mean.

We show respect by not asking for too much, or for too long. I build trust with Alice by taking care of her basic needs, showing kindness, speaking in a gentle voice and showing love. I remain honest by holding the horse accountable to do its job when asked.

The coaching relationship is somewhat similar - it is a designed alliance built on an agreement that respects both parties and hinges on mutual trust. The coach trusts the client to have innate wisdom, to be capable of discovering the right path, and to know when the time is right to act. The client trusts the coach to be fully immersed, engaged, actively listening, empathetic and compassionate, truly vested in the client's best interests. This message came through beautifully in a coaching demo today on an ICF webinar on coaching supervision and seemed to intertwine with the lesson Alice had in mind for me today.

Where does honesty fit in?

A masterful coach knows when to challenge a client just enough, in just the right way, to elicit the most honest answer. Honest insight during a session is freeing and invigorating. I've seen it happen - it allows clients the room to move, to do what they really want to do, in their own timing, instead of dragging guilt or other limiting beliefs along for the ride. The client gains confidence by holding the reins in the relationship with the coach, a partnership which is built on mutual trust and respect.

Thank you for reading these thoughts on my relationship with Alice and how tuning in to what she has to teach me informs my coaching practice. I am very curious about your perspective on the coaching relationship, trust and honesty. What helps you feel that the space is safe and welcoming of honesty?

(Riding bareback is exhilarating and challenging - really requires trust - and balance! I sometimes do this when I need more challenge, or I am facing a crisis of confidence. Paring everything down to the bare essentials of alignment (my spine and hers) allows me to tune into the subtle suggestions of my intuition which my busy mind may be crowding out.)