The Vending Machine is Out of Order

Does one of your parents still push your buttons by questioning or judging your choices? This came up recently with a friend. She gets stressed in advance of family gatherings, knowing that the texts or calls will start coming in demanding to know why were only two tickets purchased instead of three, or why only one day instead of two, or why can't she come to lunch next week?

Always eager for practice, I offered to put my coach hat on and my friend agreed. We talked about one issue common to many of us right now - an oldest child moving away from home. Later in the conversation, the prospect of stress related to her mom's visit came up because the weekend was approaching, and the family was getting together. We quickly came up with a different way of thinking about these demands - her mom is pushing buttons on a vending machine which has worked for years. Push on the "expectations" button and boom - out comes the desired response (ie, get the "right" number of tickets, stay the "right" number of days, etc.). My friend wants to please her mom, but after years of being guilted into compliance it doesn't feel good.

The vending machines in Japan were my inspiration. They are everywhere you would want a can of soup or coffee in the winter, or in summer a sparkling water or a sports drink! But what if the vending machine just didn't work anymore?

Thinking of the situation in that way allowed my friend to think about what she really wants. If the machine is broken, then mom's attempts to push on her guilt fall flat, buying time for my friend to figure out her own preferences. It dials down the heat, infuses humor, and buys time to process and respond.

I recently saw my friend after the family gathering and she was so happy to report that the vending machine trick was really helping. She was detached, didn't take things personally, and said she finally felt like a grown-up - not a little girl. My friend is a very generous, funny, light-hearted person. It was a joy to see her finding a different way forward so that her own precious few days of vacation could actually be relaxing!

This experience highlights a few ways that the coaching relationship can open up an entirely different experience for clients, even with ingrained family patterns.

1. Getting our conscious brain involved is an important step. Our thoughts --> drive our feelings --> drive actions. Doing so allows us to pivot to a more empowering thought, which then generates more positive feelings, giving us a higher level of energy to choose a different set of actions.

2. Starting with a new thought (the vending machine is broken!) leads to a new feeling (freedom, relief, space), which opens up the possibility of new actions (saying no instead of giving into guilt).

3. Metaphors are very useful - the vending machine metaphor is powerful because it is a familiar visual.

This brief example shows how coaching can open up years of much more enjoyable interactions between a parent and child. We were successful because my friend was honest about what was causing her stress, and she was determined to make a change. Daughters try to please their mothers, but sometimes we misinterpret or read too much between the lines. What a tragedy to let mixed signals interrupt time together.

Coaching sessions are focused and friendly

In my coaching practice, I focus on energy, paying attention to subtle shifts which suggest when we are getting close to the true block. I also rely on my sense of humor and metaphors to create a powerful visual. But it's important to note that the work of exploring and processing challenges is difficult.

A coaching session has many moments of connection and warmth, but it's not filled with casual banter like many of our typical daily interactions. This effort requires time, and importantly - the space to think. A relationship built on trust is essential to providing a safe silence to explore sufficiently - if we hadn't taken the time to delve just a bit further, we would not have uncovered the most unresolved stressor (mom's demands). My friend would have brought her stress to the family gathering unresolved.

A focused and friendly coaching session will also offer more silence than we're used to. In the US, our typical conversation patterns suggest that we respond in 0.5 seconds (I learned this in a continuing education session today by Laura Janusik PhD). We don't start shifting into a conscious response until 3.5 to 12 seconds or so. If we answer more quickly than that, we're just spewing, not thinking.

While it is a bit unconventional, I am intent on building outdoor activities into my coaching sessions because movement + nature offers synergistic effects on health and creativity. Plus, shifting to phone-only (vs video) allows for building in some quiet space to process without feeling the pressure of someone looking at you expectantly for a response.

• Movement can spark creativity. The regions of the brain involved in movement and creativity are adjacent. Ratey's 2008 book "Spark" highlighted the importance of exercise for the brain, and a school in Napier IL long ago tried putting zero-hour PE before the student's most difficult class with some success. (Beethoven went for long walks - that is enough for me!)

• Being in nature is important for mental health, emotional health, and overall well-being. Nature prescriptions have demonstrated improvements in anxiety, depression and even blood pressure.

• Exercise is important for mental health, as effective as an anti-depressant in some cases.

Wrapping up this post on learning how to build positive relationships with our parents, I'm reminded that this blog would not exist if my own Mom had not been the first to sign up. I figured I better get started writing! So here's to you, Mom! Hope you're having a very happy 83rd birthday today!

(Photo above from 2021 when we went indoor sky-diving for our last birthday together!)